Most of us are sure we’ll be better off if we don’t talk to strangers. We are wrong, as shown by a series of experiments by Nick Epley from the University of Chicago. He proved that just a few minutes of small talk with someone you don’t know boosts your mood, which was true for extroverts and introverts.
Similar conclusions were made by Elizabeth Dunn and Gillian M. Sandstrom from the University of British Columbia. Studies show that our concerns about initiating a dialogue with strangers are overblown, but we severely underestimate the benefits we could get from such exchanges.
For the lucky few, talking to new people comes naturally. All the rest may use this step-by-step strategy.
Step 1. Single out someone who is open to a conversation
Figuring out which person is willing to talk to you is 70% of success. It’ll hardly cross your mind to address a person wearing headphones, but you should also watch out for other signs that it’s not an ideal candidate:
- They look busy.
- They seem in a hurry.
- They are using their smartphone.
If you’re at an event, there are three easiest choices for how you can find someone to talk to:
- A group of people that looks fun and inviting.
- Someone who seems lonely and uncomfortable – your attempt to initiate a dialogue might be like a gift from God to them.
- A person whose face seems familiar (maybe you work in the same building), even if you never actually talked to them.
What about those for whom talking to people is part of their job? For instance, a barista or a shop assistant? On the one hand, according to research, talking to them will boost your mood in the same way as talking to any other person.
They are also typically easier to approach, so it can be a good way to start if you feel insecure. On the other hand, if you want more authentic interaction and more sincere feedback, you’ll also have to interact with other people.
Step 2. Smile.
Firstly, this will add positive emotions to your interaction before you say a word. When a person smiles at us, we’re wired to smile back—that’s how our mirror neurons work.
Secondly, it is also a test that will help figure out whether the person is open to talking to you. If you don’t like their reaction, you’ll have a chance to switch to someone else.
Step 3. Start talking.
At this point, the fear of rejection will probably be the worst. Here are a couple of ideas of what to say.
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Look for similarities.
Research shows that when people think they share something in common, they create a rapport faster. Also, in this case, your exchange feels more authentic. A couple of the most obvious examples are “How do you know the host?” (at a dinner party) or “It’s my first time here.
What about you?” (in a business environment). You can also try “What’s your connection to the event?”, “What are you doing when not at events like this or working?” or even “Are you getting away this summer?” to introduce topics like family or hobbies.
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Pay a compliment.
If you can’t think of something else, just make an appropriate positive comment about the person. You can prepare a list of universal compliments in advance and randomly choose one using a spinning wheel generator.
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Use the “observation-and-question” approach.
Say something about your situation or environment, then add a question. This approach works better than just sharing observations—here, the person will feel you invite and expect them to take an active role in the exchange. You can continue using the technique throughout the conversation until it begins to flow more naturally.
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Ask for advice.
Pretending you’re lost is a classic. And it works. If you’re at an event, choices are more diverse. For instance, you may show the person sitting next to you a message you’ve just received, which contains some lesser-known emojis, and ask how they would interpret it—for instance, what they think the blue heart meaning is in that particular context.
Step 4. Repeat.
Several first attempts are bound to feel awkward and somewhat inauthentic, and it’s very common to fear rejection at this point. However, just a week-long practice will likely bring a profound change, according to research by Gillian Sandstrom, Erica Boothby, and Gus Cooney.
In this study, people who practiced talking to strangers said they predicted fewer rejections and were more confident in their ability to lead a conversation. By contrast, those who just observed other people without interacting with them didn’t report any changes.
Some people you approach will not be willing to participate in a conversation – about 13%, on average, according to the same research.
On the other hand, about 40% of those who practiced approaching strangers for a week said that they exchanged contact information and followed up with at least one of those they met during this period.
Conclusion
Although about 1 in 10 people you approach might not be willing to have a real conversation, the benefits of the other 9 exchanges are worth the risk.
Apart from feeling happier, they include finding a new hobby, discovering a new culture, sparking a friendship, or introducing new business opportunities. Research shows that talking to strangers ends up being a more positive experience than people generally expect.
